Until recently (i.e., the agricultural revolution onward) the human family relied heavily upon the mental and physical assets that children brought to the group. In turn, children were taught gradually, by example, over their entire childhood, what the elders had learned over a lifetime. The expert-driven independent lifestyle necessary for the modern age has virtually eliminated that depth of intimate connection. Family music is one of the few remaining paths to help maintain or resuscitate that connection.
Of course, there are a few hitches: the loss of an ancestral ‘playing by ear’ tradition in which the adults passed the music of their region down to their children spontaneously ‘by ear’. What’s more, modern professional music can’t be replicated by people of ordinary talent. And the wide variety of music today makes it difficult for us to find common musical ground. Even so, the biggest stumbling block to making music a family tradition lies in knowing how to peacefully pull kids into the process. The following are thoughts on ways to make that happen.
Observations:
- Push versus pull forces have a powerful influence on how children respond to parental guidance. Younger children tend to be more intuitively ‘in touch’ and can detect ulterior motives even though they may not be cognitively aware of same. The result: children ‘rebel’ against the push behind hidden, or not so hidden, parental agendas. Strong feelings of need, insecurity or fear drive this parental push. Pulling children into a tradition, on the other hand, is the gentle, peaceful and successful way to sow the seeds for family music.
- The balance of liberty versus limitations is another powerful influence in children’s lives. Too much of either will generate extreme and generally undesirable reactions. Allowing children to make mistakes is liberating and allows them to become ‘who they are’. On the other hand, drawing the line imparts a sense of personal security when children feel it comes from genuine parental concern. Over-concern usually translates into more push rather than pull.
Young children and animals easily pick up on where someone is ‘coming from’ through body language and tone of voice. They feel honesty and sincerity; they feel hypocrisy and ‘agenda projection’. And their feelings drive their reactions. How does one know they are following a more balanced pulling approach? By how children react. While simple in principle, it can be difficult to tease apart the details. What to do?
- The only true leverage a parent has over a child is patience. Patience is profoundly effective in pulling. Impatience (i.e., zeal, enthusiasm, fervor, annoyance, anxiety) usually accompanies pushing and is invariably counter-productive.
Patience can look like these:
- Thinking ahead and setting up a long term multi-year plan – ‘As you sow, so shall you reap’.
- Allowing children to stumble and make mistakes. Childhood is the time and place for lots of that.
- Only helping out when children ask for it rather than giving a lot of unsolicited advice.
- Having a child simply be present while music is happening, and being patient enough to wait for them to want to play too. This is an example of limitation balanced with liberty. Limitation in needing to be present; liberty in being free to do nothing much but simply be present.
Children yearn to be an integral part of the family
Any way that allows children to feel they are helping the family core will have a profoundly integrating effect in the family. However, pushing has the opposite effect by evoking self-defensive, rebellious feelings. Conflicting ‘love-hate’ feelings can easily arise. Perhaps the most effective way children can feel they are an integral part of the family is to have an opportunity to help out (emphasis on opportunity). The ability to becoming fluent, musically or otherwise, is the hallmark of childhood. Their nervous system is very plastic (adaptive, flexible) and soaks up experience like a sponge. This period makes for a key family opportunity!
Spare the rod spoil the child?
Not really. A balance of liberty and limitations is the key. Parenting is an on-the-job learning process. Since every child is different, child rearing geared towards the unique personality of each child promises the most success. Fortunately, more often than not, we intuitively know how to tailor the right mix of liberty and limitation for each of our children. How a child reacts are the symptoms that cue us to what is needed. However, this intuitive knowing collapses when a parent’s needs dominate his/her awareness. At that point, parents push their agenda at the expense of effective child-rearing. Too much stick too little carrot, or too much carrot too little stick becomes the rule.
In wanting to have a certain outcome with children, we easily fall into the trap of pushing too hard to achieve success. We lose the intuitive sensitivity that could guide us toward finding the ‘right mix’ of ‘carrot and stick’. This tendency to push too hard is one of the unforeseen consequences of civilization. We are biologically set up to survive in natural wilderness conditions. Living under those circumstances utilized our innate energy resources in a well balanced process of life. Through civilization, and the tools that make it possible, we have made life continually safer and more comfortable which places less demand on our innate energy resources. However, that innate energy is still within us and now available to push our perceived needs forward. Goodbye, balance!
What hope is there?
Granted, modern circumstances stack the odds against success. Nevertheless, I’ve found that having an understanding of some of the underlying forces at work opens the door. There is plenty of time – usually a decade or so – to turn our deepening understanding into balance.
